Growing up is hard to do.

I don't think I like this adulting thing. I have adult children--one who lives in another state, and one who's in college. And, they don't really need me now. I try to stay relevant, but I'm not. Not really. Frankly, it sucks. And, I find I worry so much more about them as adults as I ever did as children. When they were little, I could employ time-outs, groundings, withholding privileges, stern lectures and the ever-famous, "Because I'm the mom!" But that doesn't work so well on adult kids. First, they can drive, so time-outs are a bit ineffective. Same with groundings; although, with the college student, I still have about 6 weeks left before she's legally an adult, so I could ground her, but I doubt it would work, since she has to go to school and to her job. They don't really have privileges from me anymore, so that's out. All I have left is the stern lecture. And, they just sigh and say in that exasperated tone, "I know, Mom." They know. Well, I'm glad they do, because I sure don't!

So, they're on their own, in their own ways. What do I do now? I went back to school this past semester, so I have online classes to deal with, which I enjoy. But it's lonely. My house feels very, very empty, even though my daughter is still at home. I don't like change and I don't like transition, but that's exactly what I'm in. I don't like it one bit.

The holidays are hard, and this year has been the hardest. My son was in town the week before Christmas, so we celebrated with him and his girlfriend then. It was fun and lovely, but it was so temporary. My daughter and I did our traditional Christmas Eve jaunt to Starbucks and then drove around for an hour, looking at Christmas lights. Christmas day, we made gingerbread houses, ate lots of snacks and just hung out. It was a lot of fun, and I enjoyed it tremendously, but there was quiet whisper throughout the day, "This won't last...it'll be over soon." And it was. She has one more year living at home, then she's off to finish her degree at a university out of town. I'm sure she'll be home for the holidays, but it won't be the same.

Some people look forward to life changes. I'm not one of those people. I miss the before-bed bath times, bed time stories and anticipating the delight on their faces when they come out to see a tree full of gifts for them to open. I miss footie jammies. I miss sippy cups. I miss Teddy Grahams and Chicken McNuggets. I miss teaching them to read and do math and translate Latin. At the same time, I don't want to go back to that. Small kids are work, and I'm tired. And this is what my conundrum is. I miss it, but I don't want to go back to it, and I don't know what to do next. I'll finish my degree, of course. I'll be 51 when it's done, and not really sure what I'll do after that. I could continue with graduate school, I suppose. I've been a mom since I was 20 years old--I'm not sure how to not be the mom! I don't have a relationship with my own mother, so I have no example to follow. It's a trail I'm forging by myself, and it's lonely and scary.